On August 20, 2015, I was 36 weeks pregnant and I wrote this:
I am 36 weeks pregnant with our second gift from God! Another little girl has been made for our family and we are anxiously awaiting to meet her. As we draw closer, I am reminded of God’s faithfulness and goodness. I am reminded where we were a year ago and how discouraged we felt. We waited a long time and went through a lot to get to this point. This decision – this child – is the result of many fervent prayers and a great leap of faith.
When Kelsie was diagnosed with CF, one of the hardest realities I faced was the question of what we would do with this knowledge when it came time to grow our family. After much prayerful consideration and pursuit of other options, this child was ultimately conceived naturally with the knowledge that like her sister, she too, may have Cystic Fibrosis. We still do not know the answer to that question and won’t know until after she is born. We pray desperately that she does not but if she does, I know God will protect her, and He will hold us up and carry us through. And either way, I know God has a great plan and purpose for her life! We serve a good and Almighty God and we put all of our trust in Him. We know He is faithful and He hears our cries. Whatever the outcome, I hope I will say, “It is well with my soul.”
Now after knowing the results of the test, I can say acceptance is much harder now. I really didn’t think it would happen again. One in four that she would have it also meant three out of four chance that she wouldn’t. But she has it! I thought I would be able to say it is well, but I am having a hard time feeling that way right now. My faith is beat up. I am so sad and heartbroken. I am grieving in the worst way. I am so mad and disappointed and I still can’t believe it. I love her so much and I desperately did not want her to be afflicted with this lifelong disease. I just can’t believe this is happening again. I don’t want to do all of this over again. I don’t want to give all these medicines again and go to all of these appointments for her too. I don’t want to worry even more and imagine losing BOTH of my children at a young age. I want more children but how is that going to be possible now. Why is this happening to us again?
I can’t even pray right now. So I’ll just have to let others intercede on my behalf. And maybe one day soon, this hurt and disappointment will start to wear off and I will be able to again say, “It is well with my soul.”