It was 2 years ago today that we had these beautiful and treasured pictures taken of our precious newborn Mackenzie. It was also 2 years ago today that we sat awaiting results, an answer to that long awaited question: would she also have CF? We knew the results would be back on this day and purposely told the physician to wait until after the scheduled photo shoot to call. We knew there would be no way to hold back the pain and fake a smile if the news was what we feared. We knew there was a 25% chance she would have this disease just like her sister, but I have never felt so hopeful in 75% in my life! I was so confidently optimistic and felt like clinically, the odds were in our favor. But as the day wore on, that pit in my stomach grew deeper. We have never anticipated a phone call with so much angst in all of our lives. And it seemed like the day drug on forever. The phone finally rang late in the afternoon and my heart was about to beat out of my chest as I answered that call. As soon as she said my name, I knew by the tone in her voice…..She has it too. It felt like something exploded inside of my chest. It was agonizing and I was in sheer disbelief. My hope, my faith, and everything I believed in came crashing down. I was shattered.
But piece by piece, my heart was put back together again and I was able to move out of that grief. Just like I did the first time I received news of this diagnosis, I once again found acceptance, hope, and joy. And once again felt loved by my Lord and could trust in His promises and have faith in those things which were, and still are, beyond my understanding.
When I look at these newborn photos, it is hard not to recall the devastating news we received later that day. But when I push that thought aside, what really stands out when I look at that tiny little baby, that soft, pure skin, those wrinkles and those tender, new features, is what joy she has brought to our lives. I remember those precious newborn days of meeting her, holding her, kissing her, and studying each beautiful detail for the first time. Witnessing that awe-inspiring moment when God’s miraculous creation was born from my body is something that stands out even above the grief. And His great and perfect plan assures me that everything will be ok.